


she didn’t give in and he didn’t keep chasing

by teasockschocolate



Category: The Greatest Showman (2017)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/M, I wrote this at 2am one night and didn't really go over it again so it may be trash, Light Angst, Sorry?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-05
Updated: 2019-01-05
Packaged: 2019-10-05 00:46:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,064
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17314910
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/teasockschocolate/pseuds/teasockschocolate
Summary: "In another world, she may have ducked down and kissed him. She could’ve thrown away all her reservations as he had done for her by running into that fire. On paper, it would be easy. But she knew she couldn’t."or one where the fire didn't change Anne's mind





	she didn’t give in and he didn’t keep chasing

“You’re here.” The rasp of Phillip’s voice broke Anne out of her trance. Not having anything to say, she nodded stupidly.

In another world, she may have ducked down and kissed him. She could’ve thrown away all her reservations as he had done for her by running into that fire. On paper, it would be easy. But she knew she couldn’t.

“I had to stay. In case you…. I couldn’t not be here, it being my fault and all.”

“It’s not. I promise.”

She nodded again.

“Anne,” Phillip squeezed her fingers. “It’s not your fault.”

She realized then she was still holding his hand and slowly withdrew it, lacing it with her own.

His eyes, lids still heavy from sleep, followed her movement. He wasn’t expecting anything, Anne realized. He didn’t expect her to throw away her fears because he’d nearly given his life for her. He hadn’t done it as a gesture or a ploy to win her over, he had just done it. That made what she had to do so much harder.

“Charity was planning on bringing the girls over later. So you’ll see them soon.”

“Oh, that’s nice.”

Awkward silence hung thick between them.

“What happened?  To the circus?”

Anne sighed. “It’s gone.”

“And P.T.?”

“He went in after you… when I came out. But he… some things came out about the Jenny Lind tour. I don’t know where he is now.”

 _  
_“Where’s everyone else?"

“I don’t know.” She fiddled with her fingers. “I’ve been here since the fire.”

“How long ago was that?”

“Two days.”

“You should go rest. Go home.”

“I don’t have a home.” She whispered, heart breaking as it fully sunk in.

 “You could stay at mine.”

Her eyes flashed. “That’s not necessary, thank you. I’ll find where my brother is.”

“Anne, I didn’t mean it like that, I’m sorry—"

“I know.” She did. She knew he only wanted to help her. “I don’t need you looking after me. I’m not your concern.”

“I can’t help it, Anne.” His voice was strained. She shouldn’t be pushing him this much. His lungs were surely damaged from the fire and he was immobilized in a hospital bed. She had to leave to spare him some dignity.

“This really has to end Phillip.” She widened her eyes so the tears brewing wouldn’t spill over. “These feelings almost got you killed.”

“I don’t care.”

“Well, I do.” She stood from the bed, backing up two footsteps. “This can’t happen. It won’t. We have to both let it go.”

“Anne,”

“I’m sorry, Phillip.” She raised her eyes towards the ceiling, frantically losing her battle to not cry. “I hope you get better soon. I don’t think we should see each other again for a while so I won’t be back here.”

“Please don’t shut me out.” He seemed on verge of tears too now, reaching a feeble hand out to try to brush hers.

“I’ll see you when we rebuild. We’ll be friends.”

“That’s not what either of us wants.”

“No,” Anne drew a shaky breath. “But it’s what we have to do. Goodbye, Phillip.”

She could feel his eyes follow her out, burning a soft hole into her back, but she didn’t look back. She made it out of the hospital and halfway down the block before she broke down.

__

The rebuild didn’t start for three months after the fire, but went quickly once it did. She and Phillip skirted around each other, only speaking when absolutely necessary, and then quite formally. She tried not to notice when the looks he’d always thrown her began to lessen. They’d never fully leave, but he didn’t watch her so openly anymore. The thought should’ve made her happy, but instead filled her with a momentary panic.

There could very well be a day when the looks, the clear feelings he harbored, would go away. They could be transferred to someone else; someone who wouldn’t break his heard, who’d make him laugh, who deserved him.

__

It turned out that Anne came first a few months later. A new addition to the troupe after the rebuild – a tall fire-eater—asked Anne out one day after rehearsal and she was surprised herself that she didn’t say no. His name was Theodore and he was everything Phillip wasn’t, everything Anne needed. He didn’t brood, he understood the way she thought, he made her laugh and she didn’t feel like she was doing something wrong when he did.

Phillip noticed, of course he did, but to his credit he stayed silent. Anne knew other people in the show were asking him about it, but he kept whatever his thoughts were to himself. Sometimes she almost wished he would say something. As awful as it was, she wanted him to still care. She still wanted his attention, his affection. That fierce, unwavering love she had known was something she knew she’d only experience to that extent in Phillip.

After seven months with Theodore, he asked her to marry him. It took her a week to think about it. She did love Theodore, but she couldn’t say that there wasn’t a part of her that would always love Phillip.  But she couldn’t have Phillip, besides he had begun courting a pretty girl closer to his former status. And Theodore did make her happy.

A year after the fire Anne was married. It was small – only members of the circus. W.D. gave her away, Barnum officiated because of course he was ordained. The ceremony was beautiful and she was genuinely happy.

She’d invited Phillip, more of a formality. She didn’t actually expect him to come. She wasn’t sure if she would go to his wedding. But he showed up, dressed nice with his tails and a grin plastered onto his face that she questioned the authenticity of. She’d briefly registered seeing him in the back row and nearly did a double take before telling herself to focus solely on her new husband. Phillip greeted them at the reception, shaking Theodore’s hand and brushing a kiss to her knuckles (the closest first time they’d touched in a year).

She heard later that he didn’t stay long. Whispered gossip, which she tried not to hear, in the girls dressing tent said that Sylvia saw him slip out during her and Theodore’s dance.

“He tried, poor thing.” Lettie had murmured. “I told him maybe he shouldn’t even go but he wanted to try to support her.”

“Doesn’t he have his own girl now?” Cecelia had whispered.

“Oh, you know that doesn’t really matter,” Sylvia had eagerly hissed back.

Anne started pinning her wig more quickly, paying less attention and care than usual and got out of the tent as fast as she could.

She confided in her husband who was confused by it all and she understood why. It shouldn’t have been awkward on paper – she and Phillip had never courted, had never been lovers, they’d just had crushes on each other long in the past. They’d both moved on.

“There’s nothing to feel guilty about, darling.” He’d told her. “Unless… You don’t still love him?”

“I love _you_.” And she really did. She just couldn’t shake Phillip Carlyle from that place he had lodged himself in her heart. She didn’t think she ever fully could

__

Their lives went on. Phillip’s courtship to that rich girl had fallen through and he didn’t engage in a serious relationship again. Maybe that was best for him – to settle down with the circus. He’d work tirelessly to try to make it the best it could be and carry on the legacy. Maybe he worked too hard, she’d think some mornings when she’d come into work and he’d been disheveled and slumped over his desk. Mornings when he’d stumble in, overworked and exhausted with bags under his eyes and a mix of irritable words and whiskey on his breath, a horrible part of her whispered that she had dodged a bullet.

They hadn’t become friends, like she’d said, but they were acquaintances. They could have some conversations, share some light laughs.  She was proud of them

__

Her children adored him.

Over the years, she had gotten very good at not letting her heart skip and her palms sweat around him. She loved Theodore and was devoted to him. She was not betraying Phillip by finding love and happiness elsewhere. In the beginning, she’d have to remind herself that it was not wrong to have another man’s hands on her. She would not feel guilty. And she didn’t. She knew she’d done the right thing and she loved the life she had now and the family that she created.

But damn it, did she hate herself when he’d swing her daughter onto his back and obey her direction with a laugh and she’d feel a fleeting second of longing. She hated how easy it was to accidentally imagine that the baby son he rocked was his.

Anne once voiced to Lettie how odd it was, how well Phillip all got on with her babies. She and Phillip weren’t particularly close and he and Theodore had never liked each other much.

“I think he missed playing with the Barnum girls, now that they’re too big.” Lettie had laughed. “He’s always been one of the kids. And," Lettie’s voice sobered. “Those aren’t just some kids off the street, honey. They’re _yours_. So of course he’s going to love them.

Damn Lettie.

__

He got married a while later. Anne didn’t really know her, but the girl seemed to give Phillip a lighter step and for that Anne was glad. She went to the wedding, mainly only because he had gone to hers and she would not be the smaller person. “It’s not a contest,” W.D. had told her, and she knew that rationally, but deep down she knew it kind of was.

It was a lovely ceremony. She’d always liked wedding since she was a little girl. The whole circus was there, so it was bound to be a rowdy night of laughter and music. During one song, her daughter danced on Phillip’s feet and Anne didn’t make herself look away.

___

“Are you happy?”

Anne didn’t know how she and Phillip had ended up alone in the stands one night after the show. She’d been on goodbye duty and Theodore had taken the kids home. She and Phillip had gotten to talking as the crowd trickled out – old reminiscent stories of the early circus days.

“Am I happy?” His eyes darted to her, brows lowering.

“Yeah.” She twisted her ring. “I just… I really want you to be.”

Phillip paused. “I am.” He tilted his head. “Are you?”

“Yeah.” She nodded. “Most of the time.”

“Just most of the time?”

“I just feel so sorry, Phillip. About what happened all those years ago. Leaving you in the hospital like that. Not giving you a chance.”

“It’s okay,” His hand patted her fidgeting ones. “Really. I mean, it hurt then and it’s never been perfect, but we’re okay now.”

“Yeah,” She bit her bottom lip, nodding.

Silence fell between them.

“I’m sorry it couldn’t go the way we wanted back then.” He said slowly, as if testing the waters.

“Me too.” Anne took a deep breath. “I really loved you, you know. I never told you or did much to let you know, but I did.”

Phillip scuffed his heel on the ground, averting her eyes. “I loved you too. Of course you knew that.

She should leave it there, but she couldn’t. “I don’t think it will ever really go away. For me.”

He met her eyes then, a sad smile in his eyes. “Me neither.”

“I’m glad we can still talk though. Despite everything."

“Me too. I could never just let go of you.”

“Why can’t we? It doesn’t make sense.” She shook her head. “We’re married to other people, we’re happy in our relationships.”

“Just because it wasn’t written in the stars doesn’t mean we were never soulmates.”

 _Soulmate_. That was a good word to describe him. There were no romantic ties necessary, just a pull from the universe that she needed him in her life. A connection that would last throughout their lifetimes.

“Well, we did well with the cards we were dealt, Carlyle.”

He laughed. “That we did, Wheeler.”


End file.
